2017-07-18 - 7:21 a.m.
I like hiding out here where I can't be found. Like, who cares about my minuscule opinions, anyway? I am trying to cut down on looking at Facebook. The font on this has changed, hasn't it?
Today I will go to the dentist for the first time since Sept. 27, 2004- I remember this because it was the day I broke up with Sal. It retrospect it was my self-will. But also we weren't eventually supposed to be together like that. He is very important to me forever and i love him like family. I am so grateful. He was doing IT work for this dental place in Forest Hills, and I went thinking about the Ramones, thinking about Spider-Man. The guy said I needed my wisdom teeth out, which would cost thousands of dollars. So I never went back. To any dentist. Last Wednesday I was sitting at work eating a Subway sandwich and watching Lisa Vanderpump fight with Brandi (or whatever. I'm on season 5), when I suddenly felt an absence in my mouth. Was my whole left teeth side injured?? No, just a sizable chunk of an already-damaged molar. This is what it takes to get me to do things. To separate from Tom we needed a flood, an actual natural disaster. To get sober I had to find myself pathetically chopping at my wrists with M's hair cutting shears, not wanting to live, not wanting to die. And now this.
In the years since i moved .... yeah, exactly 20 times, had seven significant relationships (and several less so but notable), including a marriage and divorce, two terminated pregnancies, two bad drug periods, various other traumas, the realization of my alcoholism, getting sober, living in two other states, not enough travel, career highs and the loss of it all, doing whatever it is I do now for ten years, the end of my best friendship with Laura (my fault 4-Eva), art, performing.. but not enough.. dad's death, the eventual new nice shape of my "real" family - I was 25; I'm 38 now. How could I neglect my teeth for so long? "Teeth and taxes- that's what you get to face in sobriety," a wise woman said (RIP). Taxes- maybe that will be next..
I'll let you know what happens.
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