2001-06-30 - 3:53 a.m.
My Quest:
I'm trying to stay up for as long as I possibly can. Because it's just exciting to. That way I can sleep all day tomorrow and not feel guilty.
For three years, the relationship between my best friend and her boyfriend-cum-fiance was my only real up-front example of a "good" relationship-- I could use it as a yardstick with which to compare whatever events conspired in my own relationships, like, you know, "this kind of argument is normal. This is what I can expect after this amount of time," etc. They were reassuring and inspiring; they survived a good amount of hard times together, and just seemed to be getting stronger- I knew, because I shared an apartment with them for a year and a half. Their level of commitment was beautiful, and-selfishly- I felt what they had gave me hope for, well.. love.
Um yeah so he was cheating on her THE WHOLE TIME, it turns out. There goes fab communication and toughing out the hard parts. This all came down two weeks ago. It feels like my parents just got divorced. But worse. Because I was right up in there in the lies- I saw firsthand what he did to her. So.. that leaves me with lots of faith in relationships.
I don't NEED, per se, a Good Role Model Relationship to be able to manage my own, but it helps. It's encouraging.
Well, my point of all this was that I found myself totally poring over this old Hate collection yesterday, noting the nuances of Buddy and Lisa's relationship in terms of my own. Like, "she didn't have a job for WAY longer than I haven't, and she stole all of that guy's movies and almost got their asses kicked, and HE almost drowned her in the bathtub, and they still stayed together!!"
I must have abandonment issues.
Ok back to watching the entire Seattle Real World, which I've been doing for oh god the last four hours, jesus god. I'm trying to do all these other, more constructive things in-between, like read Shakespeare (from this big FAT book), invent cookies, write new songs AND a book, but those damn kids keep sucking me in.
And I STILL can't do barre chords.
What the fuck?
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